Nights like this give me good time to write a little bit. Nights that I cant sleep I dont know why. Nights I keep walking around, changing the channels on TV, surfing on some webpages... nights I really try to understad what is going on.
Some days i just wake up like this... electric, ‘turned on’... and I keep like that all day long... nonstoping speaking, working, etc. And these nights make me think about myself. Today I just realize some things inside of me have died, to reborn. And I’ve been saying around that the old me is lost and I’m not sure if I want to find it again. My life has been passing so fast since that day and the chance to solve my problems too. My inside problems.
Some people say I’m too angry, others say I’m too anxious and there are others that say i’m like a witch, or cold. All of them are right, but none of them know what really goes inside of me.
She knew it. Only my mom did. No one else could do it again, ‘till now. Not even my dad, or my sister or my first real love. All of them know me. Not as much as she knew.
And, it’s weird, but on the last few days I just walk everyday complete... feeling that everything is mine, everything is new, and now it makes me think that the loneliness is filled with something that I can’t explain. I thought I would never be able to feel like that again.
I’m lying if I say I dont know your smelling anymore, that I don’t remember the fine lines on your face, and, for some reason I still will having my little legs entwined with other ones. I know I need some stops now, but I cant do it, and I stumble on my way back home. I bump with people I shouldnt, I kick obstacles ‘cause i’m to anxious to see them.
I just decided – dont know how – I stoped believing in everlasting love since I realized eternity is for those who have extra time, and MY life is too short. I want my bed empty in the morning because i’m full of me, but at night I want perfect curves, complete ones, me that i’m not ‘given’ to hugs, want someone who completes me with a perfect hug, more perfect than I could ever tues.
And if the sex is better, I wish I can have someone with the arms like yours. Someone who can love me the way you did in the beginning, remember? But a little deepier, more sensitive, more... boyfriend. I wish I can have someone with all your qualities - those I almost dont remember aymore - and none of your defects (...)
I turned away from you and now I send everyone away from me because I decided I want to be a highway, not a dead-end alley. One day, perhaps, someone who enjoys adrenalin, good songs and soccer comes here, near me, and starts covering my things with pictures of amazing places and people, writing me love letters. Maybe he can come and bring people to socialize in a colorful party, and then, without me knowing, I just close my highway with big trees and flexible gates, celebrating my new way.
A writer already says ‘when you open your arms to life, loves of death lose their place in the embrace’. So, I keep smiling, and you should too. Now I’m free, opened and looking at everything is around me. Our happiness would never be the same, today I see, as soon as your love is full of blockings and mine, of curiosity. I hope both of us can be happy. You exploring someone’s love and me… the life.
