Naquela noite

Acordou com o coração acelerado, peito apertado, encharcada em suor, enquanto o relógio marcava alguma hora perdida da madrugada e a TV exibia, para ninguém, "Corujão do Esporte".

Sentou-se no colchão (porque as camas ficaram para os casais, e sobrou-lhe o chão para dormir) e, de repente, sentiu-se invadida por todos os sons daquela cidade estranha (bonita, porém estranha)... alguém andando no quarto acima, o holofote da boate que insistia em ficar rodando, carros com risos altos e passos daqueles que estavam vagando por ali.

Apoiou a cabeça nas mãos, passou-as pelos cabelos; sentia escorrer pelos braços o suor tenso, sentia subir-lhe pela nuca o arrepio da ansiedade. Seus olhos queimavam como brasas vivas, enquanto avistava a bela noite, estrelada, calma, e ainda assim, sentia como se uma tempestade fosse anunciada, distante.

Doía-lhe a cabeça. Contraiu-se. Esticou os braços e agarrou as únicas pílulas que o médico lhe autorizara ingerir. Tomou tantas quantas pudesse, sem correr o risco de lhe fazer mal. Todas, num único gole d'água.

Ar. Precisava de ar. Tentou fechar os olhos e controlar a respiração, tentou imaginar-se em algum lugar verde, com vento soprando, com pequenas pétalas de flores se soltando e flutuando junto às borboletas, dia adentro.

Mas o coração não se aquietava. O dia viria. Ainda que lutasse, que não o quisesse, o dia viria.

Então, antes dele, vestiu os shorts e a blusinha surrada, enfiou os pés no confortável chinelo e saiu, evitando o elevador, decidiu ir pelas escadas, entregando-se aos suspiros da noite que, teimosa, parecia não ter fim.

Passou a guarita, desejou boa noite (sem resposta) e foi reto, sem rumo. Sem dar-se conta estava ali, beirando a praia, sozinha, naquela escuridão. Ela, que evitava as areias sempre que podia, decidiu sentar-se no deque e contemplar alguma coisa, coisa tal que sequer passava pela sua cabeça. O mar. A brisa. Até mesmo a areia.

E foi naquela noite que, depois de 1/4 de século, conseguiu entender o que se escondia na imensidão do que estava à sua frente; do que estava sob as areias sem os guarda sóis e as pessoas, e as bolas, e as crianças e o monte de carrinhos disto e daquilo.

E entendeu que gostava, sim, daquilo tudo, mas que somente conseguia captar a riqueza daquela natureza se estivesse daquele jeito, aflita, sem saber o porque. Só conseguiria desfrutar de toda aquela magia se estivesse olhando pra dentro de si, sem pensar em ninguém nem em nada.

E foi naquela noite que, não mais aversa, agora descalça, andou pela areia, onde o estrondo do mar lhe convidava, parecendo a única coisa, no meio de todo o turbilhão de sentimentos, que fazia algum sentido.

Sob o forte vento da praia, ergueu as mãos, segurou os cabelos, fechou os olhos, sorriu seu melhor sorriso e entendeu que estava de volta ao recomeço.

Naquela noite, a menina que pensava ser feliz somente com pessoas ao seu redor, se tornou a mulher que podia, entendendo-se a si mesma, se bastar.

Naquela noite, sobre as areias da praia.

My choice

You were slowly going out of my life, and now I need an immediate solace. I don't know if I miss you 'coz I don't know what I feel anymore. You took away from me anything that was ours and took away from me everything that was mine, you took me out of my way, out of my zone, out of my route. You took me out of where I was, took me away from anywhere you thought I didn't fit and I was just accepting, going, being taken of from there to here, any moment, wandering through life without needing.

You were mine for so long that I'm scared to allow hurting everything that has to hurt. And you were mine for so long that sometimes looks like everything was wasted between us, 'til the pain.

You knew me a girl and watched me turning in woman. You read all of my texts about other people, other pains, you were there all the moments of my life when I thought only your approval was important. You saw in me my shattered sadness and told me so many times that you were the glue which was hold my castle of dreams stood up. But, later, you rode on top of my dreams, blocking any view I could have for them, making me think that over the rainbow of your smile there was nothing else to be found.

You saw in me qualities that nobody, 'til then, had had the sensitivity to find, you knew my good morning and good night eyes, my hapiness eyes, my missing ones, the sadness ones... You knew my mouth that compresses when life disagrees with me and I don't have other choice but tie my crying on the nose. You allowed me to see yourself under the armor that the people know, you lay down with me in so many places that your heavy leg, that blocked my blood every single night, became my leg too, and then, after a while, not even my blood mind having it's destiny blocked by you.

You loved me so much that, even not being able to love me completely, you didn't want to let me go and you were killing our love little by little, using against me all the things that, one day, were all the things I could offer as charming to you. You pulled all my limits and made me discover parts of myself that I didn't know they were there, you brought the best and worst, brought that butterfly feelings.

You were truly mine, were mine with everything, were mine day and night for all these days we shared. For all these years, I lived more you then myself. Everyday I woke up in the morning I needed to know what you were needing, even before I could remember that I was also a person and need things, too.

I walked away because, even if I tried, cried, prayed, whised, begged, begged lowered, kneel down, scremed, whispered and thought, I realized my need of you would never be met, because, in some way that until now I don't know, you stole me from myself and my serach was endless because it was not accurate.

And for the first time, in so many years, I understood that I was needing me, not you.

And even while I get down on my knees and gather the pieces of me, I can't deny that many of them are completely yours. We messed ourselves so much that only Alanis' songs could explain my feeling of having my head over feet. You are always going to be part of what is inside me and, even with skeptical eyes, all beautiful we had will never change.

"Only love is not enough", we repeated that so many times. And I needed not to see you in my life anymore, this way I could try to start any phrase, any conversation, any thought and any text with any other word that wasn't YOU.

And my old speech (that is yours) would be said with your tone of voice (which I know all tones) that for me, our love is a bunch of  exaggerated experiences to turn, in the end, a beautifl text.

I, however, disagree. For me our love was true and it's a shame it ended this way, gathered in a bunch of sad words on the floor, with no glue.

My castle collapsed and I chose to rebuild my world without you. By choice, not by lack of love.

And now I've got to tell you, I've been living softly and I've been discovering myself, with other people, and I've allowed myself to be loved, to be wooed. And I'm getting happier and happier. And I wish you can find your happines. Alone. 'Cause now, I don't feel responsible for it anymore.

As Muhammad Ali said " I know where I'm going and I know the truth, and I don't have to be what you want me to be. I'm free to be what I want".