My choice

You were slowly going out of my life, and now I need an immediate solace. I don't know if I miss you 'coz I don't know what I feel anymore. You took away from me anything that was ours and took away from me everything that was mine, you took me out of my way, out of my zone, out of my route. You took me out of where I was, took me away from anywhere you thought I didn't fit and I was just accepting, going, being taken of from there to here, any moment, wandering through life without needing.

You were mine for so long that I'm scared to allow hurting everything that has to hurt. And you were mine for so long that sometimes looks like everything was wasted between us, 'til the pain.

You knew me a girl and watched me turning in woman. You read all of my texts about other people, other pains, you were there all the moments of my life when I thought only your approval was important. You saw in me my shattered sadness and told me so many times that you were the glue which was hold my castle of dreams stood up. But, later, you rode on top of my dreams, blocking any view I could have for them, making me think that over the rainbow of your smile there was nothing else to be found.

You saw in me qualities that nobody, 'til then, had had the sensitivity to find, you knew my good morning and good night eyes, my hapiness eyes, my missing ones, the sadness ones... You knew my mouth that compresses when life disagrees with me and I don't have other choice but tie my crying on the nose. You allowed me to see yourself under the armor that the people know, you lay down with me in so many places that your heavy leg, that blocked my blood every single night, became my leg too, and then, after a while, not even my blood mind having it's destiny blocked by you.

You loved me so much that, even not being able to love me completely, you didn't want to let me go and you were killing our love little by little, using against me all the things that, one day, were all the things I could offer as charming to you. You pulled all my limits and made me discover parts of myself that I didn't know they were there, you brought the best and worst, brought that butterfly feelings.

You were truly mine, were mine with everything, were mine day and night for all these days we shared. For all these years, I lived more you then myself. Everyday I woke up in the morning I needed to know what you were needing, even before I could remember that I was also a person and need things, too.

I walked away because, even if I tried, cried, prayed, whised, begged, begged lowered, kneel down, scremed, whispered and thought, I realized my need of you would never be met, because, in some way that until now I don't know, you stole me from myself and my serach was endless because it was not accurate.

And for the first time, in so many years, I understood that I was needing me, not you.

And even while I get down on my knees and gather the pieces of me, I can't deny that many of them are completely yours. We messed ourselves so much that only Alanis' songs could explain my feeling of having my head over feet. You are always going to be part of what is inside me and, even with skeptical eyes, all beautiful we had will never change.

"Only love is not enough", we repeated that so many times. And I needed not to see you in my life anymore, this way I could try to start any phrase, any conversation, any thought and any text with any other word that wasn't YOU.

And my old speech (that is yours) would be said with your tone of voice (which I know all tones) that for me, our love is a bunch of  exaggerated experiences to turn, in the end, a beautifl text.

I, however, disagree. For me our love was true and it's a shame it ended this way, gathered in a bunch of sad words on the floor, with no glue.

My castle collapsed and I chose to rebuild my world without you. By choice, not by lack of love.

And now I've got to tell you, I've been living softly and I've been discovering myself, with other people, and I've allowed myself to be loved, to be wooed. And I'm getting happier and happier. And I wish you can find your happines. Alone. 'Cause now, I don't feel responsible for it anymore.

As Muhammad Ali said " I know where I'm going and I know the truth, and I don't have to be what you want me to be. I'm free to be what I want".